Chapter 1

Sandhya found herself at a station platform. She didn't remember how she had arrived there, but it seemed right.

The first thing that she noticed was the noise... and the heat. It felt like summer. Though she was sheltered underneath the aluminium shed, she was drenched in sweat within minutes. 

Sandhya looked around. All she saw were swarms of people—travelers, coolies, vendors—and they kept streaming in. Everywhere she turned around, she found people. At almost three feet, Sandhya was among the tallest few in her class. But here, she was barely waist-high. In the midst of all those grown-ups, Sandhya felt lost and claustrophobic. 

Desperate to find some source of comfort, she turned to her mother. She saw her standing tall and confident next to her. A couple of large travel bags stood near her mother's feet.

Relieved, Sandhya breathed in more easily. But then she looked down at herself. Her palms were sweating and her breath was coming out too fast. Suddenly, she realized she was scared. She couldn't explain why. She looked up at her mother again, to anchor herself. That's when she saw her mother's unruly hair... and her eyes. They had a frenzied but oddly alert look about them. For some reason, Sandhya thought that her mother held her back stiffly straight, almost in a protective gesture, shielding her from something.

Sensing Sandhya's scrutiny, her mother turned around and in a calm, confident voice comforted her, "Don't worry Shani. We won't miss the train. You just stay close to me okay."

The train arrived at the platform. Her mother picked up the bags and asked Sandhya to follow her. A swarm of people rushed forward to the doors. Even before the train could stop, people in the train elbowed and jumped their way out. Sandhya struggled to stay close to her mother.

Before the last man could move out, people on the platform began rushing in. Sandhya saw her mother struggling to hold her own and fight her way in. Her mother kept the bags just inside the door and then entered in herself. Sandhya was about to follow her mother in but the train started to move. Her mother held out her hand to pull Sandhya in. But she could not hold on to her mother; nor could she climb in—people were packed in toe-to-toe within the train.

As the train picked up speed, Sandhya ran along the platform and kept calling out to her mother. Her mother looked back at her little girl in despair.

Lost and alone at the platform, Sandhya began to fully realize her fear. She looked at the platform, feeling lonely, scared, and at a loss. She could no longer hear the crowd or the train; nothing except her racing heart. She no longer saw anything but the train slowly picking up speed, taking her mother away from her. All of a sudden she saw someone jumping off the train.

The world came crashing back at her. She saw the person fall down by the track. And she knew it was her mother.

"Mamma!" she yelled... and opened her eyes. She was sitting up on her bed, sweating all over, gasping out for air. "It's just a dream!", she thought in relief. But it took her several minutes before her heartbeat came back to normal. She said a little prayer to ward off her dreams, and went back to sleep. But she couldn't. The same dream kept coming back; she tried thinking of a different end but never could.

Sleepless, lying on her back, she looked around her. There was a dark shadow on the wall. 'It's just leaves waving along the breeze’, she tried to reason, but couldn’t convince herself. Her panic rising, she switched on her bedside lamp. 'I won't be able to sleep anymore. I will have to wake mother up.'

She quietly walked up to her parent's bedroom and knocked on the door a few times. Her mother was yawning as she opened the door. "Mamma, I had a bad dream. I can't sleep."

“Oh sweety, come here”, her mother said while she hugged Sandhya. “Do you want to talk about it?”, she asked while they walked back to Sandhya's bedroom.

“Mamma, I...” Sandhya struggled as she sat up on her bed and looked up at her mother. She had to keep her eyes focused on her mother's face, just to remind herself that what she saw just half an hour back was only a nightmare, nothing else.

“What is it Sandhya?”, her mother asked, her voice now tinged with worry. She had seen the terror in the little girl's eyes and she knew that the nightmare must have been a terrible one. She took her daughter's hand in hers, hoping to give the little one courage.

“Mamma, I saw this train, and there was all these people wanting to get in. And we were there too. And you had these two huge bags to haul in, and then you got in, and... but... then the train started, and then I was left behind. I saw you go past in the train, and then the train left the platform, and then, and then...”, Sandhya looked up and her mother knew that she wasn't looking at her, but at some sight too terrifying for her. “... you... jumped... right on the track... I saw you lie crumpled on the side, next to the tracks Ma! I wanted to see if you were alright but then I woke up... I kept going back to the dream to wish a different end but... I... I couldn't...”

“Shush my child, it’s okay. It's okay.” her mother pulled her close in a tight embrace and patted her head lightly. “It was just a dream and it's all over now. Now that you have dreamed about it, you can be totally sure that nothing like it is ever going to happen.”

“Really?” Sandhya smiled sheepishly.

“Yes, really.” her mother smiled back.

After a moment's thought, Sandhya asked “But that movie we saw the other day... that girl... ALL of her dreams came true... and...”

“Sandhya, it was just a story! Do you see me hurt in any way? Are we anywhere near a railway station?” When Sandhya shook her head, her mother continued, “You see? Your dream hasn't come true. And dreams are always so weird. In dreams, you can fly... of course, I have flown too in my dreams! So, you see, dreams make you see the most impossible of things.” Seeing her calm down a little, her mother continued, “Okay then, now that we have settled the argument, tell me... are you feeling better?”

“Uh-huh”.

“Do you want me to sleep with you tonight?” her mother asked, seeing how Sandhya was still quite shaken up.

Sandhya thought 'Yes' but aloud she said, “No, I'm alright. But if you don't mind, can you sit with me for a while, so that I can go back to sleep. There is this,” she wanted to say 'shadow on the wall' but instead said, “thing about the dream... it keeps coming back, so you know just in case it comes back again, I...”

“Yeah, I understand”, her mother said as she tucked in Sandhya. “I will be here till you go to sleep, okay honey. And a little while after that as well. Just in case the dream comes back okay. Don't worry and just go to sleep. I'll be right next to you.”

Safely tucked in her bed with her mother watching over her, Sandhya closed her eyes and soon fell asleep.

* * *

“Wake up Shani!”, her mother called out as she pulled the curtains aside.

“Argh, Ma!”, whined Sandhya, as she twisted around in the sheets and dug her face deeper into the pillow.

“I said, get up!” her mother said more firmly as she pulled the coverlet away from the slumbering child.

“I don’t want to Mamma!”, saying which Sandhya opened her eyes. What she saw made her open them wider.

The curtains were still closed. The coverlet was still in its place. Her mother was nowhere to be seen.

Sandhya frowned and looked around. And then she saw it. She smiled, and picked it up from the bed. She must have taken it to bed with her last night. It was the first thing that she found in the half-packed box—a small photo frame of her mother.

* * *

“But why do you have to go all the way to Bangalore for?” her father asked.

“Dadda, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I mean, I have been trying to get into a magazine for so long, and I have finally got that break. I don’t know when or if I will get such a chance anytime soon. I have to go.” Sandhya explained.

“Hmmm”, assented her father grumpily, and went on to read the newspaper. He knew there was no point arguing when his daughter sounded like that.

Satisfied, Sandhya went into her room to pack. Her mother followed her in. “Is this the actual reason why you are taking up this job?”

“Yes Ma, why else would I...”, she paused mid-sentence as she looked into her mother’s eyes. Sandhya soon averted her eyes and turned around to continue her packing. The air was heavy with the silence between them. Unable to bear it, she rambled on, “The weather there is gorgeous! It’s always pleasant all year round. There is the language barrier but I think I will be able to manage it. It would be so nice to live in a new place for a change! You can also...”

“You are tired of us, aren’t you?”

Her eyes widened in shock. But as she turned around to face her mother, Sandhya schooled her features to innocence, pretending she didn’t understand what her mother just said.

“Dont try that with me, Shani. What I want to know is, why?” The last word came out sounding almost like a plea.

“Mamma it’s nothing like that. I...”,  she couldn’t go on. Suddenly, she felt very weary. Her shoulders drooped and letting out a deep sigh, she slumped on the bed.

Her mother looked at her and felt some inexplicable fear, some dark foreboding that she couldn’t understand yet. She felt that if she didn’t stop her now, she would lose her daughter forever. But she couldn’t put this fear down in words; she couldn’t explain her fiery child her fears. All she could do was to plead her, “Tell me Shani. What do you want from us? I promise we won’t trouble you, just don’t go.”

“Mamma, please don’t start that again! Aren’t you through with the emotional blackmail already?!” Sandhya shouted angrily. “All these years... argh! Don’t get me started!” saying which she stormed out of the house.

A couple of days later, Sandhya left for Bangalore. It took her almost three months to take some time off to visit home. The visit was brief, but not brief enough for her. On the second day itself she began to feel claustrophobic.

The requirement to have dinner together, the constant reminders of what to do and what not to do, the impractical curfew timings... things that were part of her life here suddenly seemed alien to Sandhya. She could no longer abide by them without feeling breathless and shackled. She needed room. She needed to get away. She left two hours earlier than what she needed to, to catch her flight back to Bangalore.

Over the months, the visits became more infrequent. So did the phone calls. Earlier, her mother called her up almost every single day just to feel connected to her. But Sandhya’s cold replies finally began to numb things down. That’s why she didn’t know about her mother’s illness until it was too late.

She got the call late one night. She was in the office with Druv and some senior editors finalizing a page layout. She had gone out to receive the call. When she returned, she looked pale.

“Dhruv, can I talk to you for a second?” she asked quietly.

“What happened?” Dhruv asked worriedly, after they had moved out of earshot.

“My brother just called me up. He told me... he told me that Mamma is ill... very ill.”, she explained in a rush. “I have to go.”

“Sure. So how are you planning to go?”

“I think I’ll just head straight home now, pack what I need, and then catch a cab to the airport. I’ll book my ticket directly from there.”

“Do you know which plane you might get now and at what time?”

“Er...”

“Ok. Why don’t you do one thing? Book your ticket online from here. Then, I’ll drive you home... just listen first!... you can then pack your stuff, and from there I’ll take you to the airport.”

“Dhruv, you don’t have to...”

“I know. But just tell me, where are you going to get a cab so late in the night? AND...” he cut in when he saw her open her mouth to tell him from where she could get a cab, “And even if you do, I’m not going to let you go on your own.”

“But this is ridiculous! What about work? The entire team is out there and one of us has to be here to handle things. You can’t just get up and leave like that.”

Dhruv couldn’t argue with her on that. But Sandhya could see that he wasn’t comfortable with the idea at all. Sensing his worry for her, her voice softened as she continued, “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll call you once I reach the airport. Just book me the ticket while I get my things ok.”

“Anyone would think I’m the one in crisis,” he muttered to himself as he went back to apprise his team of the situation.

He was standing by the printer when she entered his cabin. “I’m just getting a printout of your ticket. I have booked a Jet Airways plane and your flight number is...”, he stopped when he turned and saw her face. Sandhya looked pensive... and vulnerable. He had seen her like that only once before. “Sands...?”

Sandhya started out of her thoughts “Huh? What? Did you say something, Dhruv?”

“Are you ok, Sandy?”, he asked as he searched her face.

“I’m fine. I...”, she smiled and tried to shrug off the topic. But then she fell silent. She was lost in her thoughts again; her smile disappeared. Dhruv knew better than to rush her; he waited for her to go on. “I just didn’t know that anything was wrong with her. No one ever told me either. I mean I knew she had a weak heart, but nothing this serious. Why did they wait for so long to tell me?”

“Probably they didn’t want to worry you...”

“But I had every right to know!”, she shouted angrily, feeling helpless and in despair.

Dhruv wanted to reach out to her but didn’t know how, “Sandy, I...”

But the moment was lost and her guard was up again. “It’s ok. I guess I will find out soon enough.” Taking the ticket from him, she asked, “You didn’t book the return ticket?”

“I didn’t know by when you could come back.”

“Yeah, you are right. I can’t know that now, right?” She folded the ticket and put it in her handbag. “I better make a move. The flight is in three hours and I need to get back home before that.”

“Sandy, wait!” Dhruv called out as she turned to leave. “Venkat is going to drop you off to the airport.”

“But I told you...” she began angrily.

“He volunteered!”, Dhruv said, holding up his hands in defence.

“Yeah, right!” Sandhya shook her head and smiled, “Just shake that stupid grin off your face!”

Despite her protests, Dhruv walked her to Venkat’s car. “Call me once you reach the airport and then again when you reach Mumbai ok. I know you can take care of yourself, but I’ll be worried nevertheless.”

“The flight’s at two in the morning, Dhruv!” But she saw that he was ready to dig his heels, so she conceded just a little bit saying, “Fine. I’ll cut you a deal. I’ll message you once I reach the airport and then I will call you at nine tomorrow morning to let you know I have reached home. Ok?”

“Five in the morning.”, he bargained.

“Seven.”

“Fine,” he agreed grudgingly.

Dhruv watched her get in the car and go. He waited till the car took a turn and was out of his sight. As he got in the elevator to get back to the office, he couldn’t help thinking that now, more than ever before, she needed him.

* * *

When she reached Mumbai, she came to know that her mother was already admitted in the Intensive Coronary Care Unit or ICCU. She met her father and brother outside in the waiting room. Ma had suffered a major stroke, they said. She had been depressed for a while now; no, they didn’t know why. She had been taking her medicines regularly; her reports were all normal; everything was under control. Her stroke came as a shock to everyone.   (... To be continued)