Firefly

Her heart was racing.

She could feel it beating against her—straight out and up... straight out and up. Her whole being vibrated with its rhythm.

She felt her blood gush and rise as a tide, crashing against her veins—out... out... out... out... out. It flooded her senses; she couldn’t sense anything beyond it.

And that filled her with dread.

She was crouched on the floor against the wall of her tiny room. She knew that her bed was on her right while the wardrobe lined the wall on her left. But right now, they were just walls of darkness that cloaked her. A darkness that was darker than the rest of her room. A darkness that was more welcome than the thin shaft of light that sneaked under the bedroom door. She could see the light flicker with shadows. The shadows had grown a little darker.

So she knew that they were near.

Scared she drew her legs closer to herself, trying to meld into the wall behind her. She wasn’t able to judge how close they were. If only she could feel the floorboards vibrating beneath her, she would know. But her beating heart made it impossible.

She had to drown it out. She had to calm herself down.

So she closed her eyes and began to breathe in deeply, the way Sr. Caroline had taught her in school. “Melanie, whenever you feel scared or lost, close your eyes, breathe in deeply and pray to the Lord. He will give you courage and strength.” Sr. Caroline had never lied to her before, but she realized that when it came to the ‘Lord’, Sr. Caroline did lie. Melanie had prayed real hard, just as she was taught. But she was still just as scared and weak. She didn’t feel brave or strong. So she had stopped praying. But she did find the ‘close eyes, breathe deeply’ routine soothing. It always worked like a charm.

Well... almost always.

Mel closed her eyes and immediately she was plunged into utter darkness. She wasn’t scared of the dark. But it meant that she could no longer watch the shaft of light. But she had to soothe her nerves. 

And this was the only way she knew. She breathed deeply... once... twice. All the while, her senses strained against the confines of her body, looking out for the first sign of danger. Her skin tingled with nervousness. She could feel the loose strands of hair swaying across her face. She had shut her eyes and it seemed that the dark had enveloped her, hid her. But she knew that beyond her shut eyes lay the door. Everything seemed quiet.

Suddenly, she felt a blast of cool air wash over her. With a start, she opened her eyes. And with that she felt the world crashing back in. Her heart was racing even faster; her pulse running swifter. The beats overwhelmed and she vainly struggled against them. ‘Shush! Shush!’, she cried to herself. ‘They’ll hear you outside!’

She looked around quickly for a better hiding place, but she already knew that there wasn’t. Besides, running away or hiding was not an option.

She had learnt it the hard way.  

* * *  

“Mel! Where are you?!”

Mel didn’t reply back.

“You little wretch! You better come out from wherever you are! Or you’ll have it from me this time!!”

There was still no response. But a child’s soft snuffling was heard from behind the kitchen cabinet under the sink.

“Oh! So there you are, eh? Trying to hide from me, are you? I’ll teach you what happens to naughty little children who don’t listen to grownups!”

Mel knew she was caught. But she was too terrified to do anything. She heard footsteps moving away from her... somewhere to the right.

‘He is going up to his room. But why?’

Terrified, she tried to wriggle further back in the tiny space. It was not long before she heard the footsteps return. And then, she heard a loud thud against the door.

‘Bam!.. Bam!...’, it went on relentlessly.

She could see the door was cracking open against the pressure. Desperate, she pushed back with her tiny fingers.

‘Bam!’, another thud hit the door and she was thrown back.

Terrified and shivering, she waited. Another few hits, and the door crashed open. Instinctively, she threw her hands against her face, shielding herself. A tiny splinter lodged in her arm and she cried out in pain.

“Stop shrieking, you brat! You dare hide from me, eh? Come out of your rat hole!”

She felt a strong, rough hand grab her right arm, pulling her cruelly out of the closet. As he pulled her, her head hit against the doorway... but he didn’t stop. He kept pulling her till she was standing in the passage outside the closet. She looked to her side; the closet door was completely smashed. She could no longer hide behind it. Suddenly, she felt him jerk her brutally and she turned to look at him. 

He was brandishing a cricket bat.

And then she knew fear.

She felt paralyzed; she knew he was talking to her but she couldn’t hear a thing. And then she saw the bat approaching her. And then... nothing.

She woke up in a hospital bed. That’s where she got to know that she was hit with a cricket bat. Multiple times. She had broken ribs, a broken elbow, a broken leg and several concussions across her body... and a major blow to her head.

The neighbors had heard her screams and had called in the police. She was lucky to survive, the hospital staff told her. Mel thought otherwise. The blow to her head had turned her permanently deaf.

She was just four years old.  

* * *  

Mel woke up with a start.

She was sprawled on her side, awkwardly wedged between the wall and her bed. She didn’t realize she had fallen asleep.

‘That’s shoddy work, Mel!’, she scolded herself.

She looked at the door. The light was gone. It was quiet. Mel sighed with relief. Only then did she allow herself to look around. It was twilight.

‘Just a little bit more, Mel… just a little bit more’, she soothed herself.

She got up and unconsciously massaged her aching neck. Her frock was too short for her… and too old. But it was just one of the two frocks that she owned. A “birthday” gift from her mum so that she could wear “something decent” at her mum’s third wedding. That was two years back. Though she was ten, she could easily pass for a six year old. She was scrawny, with barely some flesh on her bones. Her cheeks were sallow and her eyes sunken. They looked scarily large… and dead. That’s why it wasn’t much of a miracle that she still fit in her old clothes. But it was surely a blessing. She had nothing else to wear. And she didn’t hope to get any new clothes either.

Now that it was getting light, she dared to sit on her bed. But she looked edgy enough to spring out of it at a mument’s notice. The windows of her room were all boarded up. They didn’t have enough money to mend them. But there were a few gaps through which light could sometimes seep in; the only sort of light that Mel ever welcomed. It reminded her of those few carefree years that she had ever managed to experience.

*  *  *  

Only a few weeks after her father was sent to prison for brutally maiming her, her mother remarried. Though the first few weeks were rough, she soon realized that her mum’s second husband was a good man, if ever there was such a thing.

He had enrolled her in a school attached to the local church. She learned to read and talk through her hands. It was difficult at first. But Mel was a smart girl. She picked it up fast.

She also learnt to look at how people move their lips and figure out what they were saying. They had a funny name for that; lip reading. How do you read lips? Lips don’t have words written over them! But it helped Mel understand what her mum was saying and save her hide many times, which was all that mattered in the end. So Mel was generally happy with what they taught in school.

But the best part about school was Sr. Caroline. Sr. Caroline would for the next two years try and teach Mel about a man called God… and never quite manage it. Despite that annoying habit of hers, Mel liked Sr. Caroline. She would take her to the park and sometimes bake a cake for her. She had even once taken Mel to her home, where the little girl saw many other women dressed in the same uniform as Sr. Caroline. She had asked Sr. Caroline how come they have to wear uniforms in their own house. Is there a secret school inside their house that they all attend? Sr. Caroline only laughed at that. Mel never did understand what was so funny about attending school. She sure didn’t find it one bit funny; she attended school only because it kept her away from her mum.

Mel wasn’t sure what she thought of her mum. She was never around long enough to let Mel form any opinion about her.

The only time her mum was home for the longest time was just after the wedding. Her mum and her new husband were locked in their room for two whole weeks. The sole evidence Mel ever got that they were home was when she would spot either of them in the wee hours of the morning, coming out for a cup of coffee and picking up supplies for the rest of the day; or when she would be in her room right beside theirs, and feel the wall between their rooms shake and shiver relentlessly.

She had taken to sleeping in the kitchen during that time.

The second husband stayed out of Mel’s way for most of the time. And Mel preferred it that way. She liked it best when he would be out for business and her mum wasn’t around. She would then have the house to herself and she could do as she pleased. Which wasn’t much, but then she didn’t have to walk around trying to avoid the others in the house, and that was a relief.

But sometimes, when she would return home from school, and the second husband was around, he would ask her how her day was. If he was in the mood, he would even pour her a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk. Mel initially found it weird; her mum never did anything like that. Mel was used to fending for herself since the time she was two. But she was beginning to like the second husband for some reason. She just couldn’t pin down why.

One day after school, One weekend, w Most days her mum used to be out of the house. Those were some of the happiest days. The second husband would tell Mel of his travels. Mel would never respond with more than a mere grunt or a nod, but he knew that she hung onto his words. And it was gratifying for him to someone’s undivided attention, especially since his wife was never around much. He was a driver by profession and he had been to many parts of the country. He would tell her about snow and sandy beaches; show her a world beyond her home. Mel longed to grow up fast so that she could see those places herself.