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Thursday, May 11, 2017

A Series of Unfortunate White Lies

I chose the title as a tribute to Lemony Snicket. I do not write comedy as well as him, but I shall endeavour.

The following is a short story I wrote for the Facebook group "12 Short Stories in 12 Months". Hopefully, it's worth a read.




Prompt: A White Lie  | Genre: Comedy |  Word count: 2500


“I am so screwed!” said Aaliyah, plopping down on the sofa.

“What happened?” asked Samuel.

“My mom wants me to meet my cousin.”

“So?”

“She lives in London.”

“So?”

Aaliyah raised her eyebrows and glared at Samuel. It was her way of saying, ‘Don’t you get it?’

Samuel raised his eyebrows and glared back. He even threw in a shrug for free. It was his way of saying, ‘Duh, no!’

“Argggh!” she cried out. “They expect me to meet her in London!”

“But why would they... Oh! Damn! You ARE screwed!”, replied Samuel.

“Exactly! Now, what do I do?”

They both looked at each other. They knew the problem was big. Very big. Because Aaliyah didn’t live in London.

She lived in Mumbai. She had never left the city in her life. She did have a UK visa stamped on her passport, but it was something she had applied for while she was with her previous company. They had planned to send some of their employees to their UK base for some on-site training. But by the time they got around to her, she had resigned her job.
But the visa had not expired. So technically, her new employer could transfer it to themselves and use it to send her to the UK. But they didn’t want to send her to the UK. They had no need to send her there.

But that’s not what Aaliyah had told her parents. And now she was in trouble.

“Did you really have to tell them you are moving out of the country?” Samuel asked the umpteenth time.

“I’ve told you this before... no other excuse had worked!”

Aaliyah mentally began to recount her many attempts...

“Mom, I’m twenty-five now. I have a good job, I earn pretty well. So, I was thinking..”

“...to get married? Ah finally! I will tell your father right away that you have come to your senses!” her mother said, elated.”We’ll have to start looking for a groom immediately... if you get any older or start earning more, it will become difficult to find a good boy!”

“What? That’s ridiculous! Anyway, I don’t want to get married now!”

“Don’t talk like this Liya! If you don’t get married, who will take care of you after we are gone!” her mother resorted to age-old tacky lines.

“I can take care of myself!” she retorted. And when she saw her mother getting ready to respond, she continued hurriedly, “Besides, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to tell you that I want to move out of the house; live by myself.”

“What??! What did you say? Why would you even think of something like this? Don’t you love us?” her mother cried out dramatically. If she had ever auditioned for a soap, she would have easily got the part.

“Mom! It’s not like that. I need to learn to live independently. How do you expect me to suddenly take care of a family, once I get married— if I get married, that is—when I don’t know how to take care of myself?”

“Oh! That is easy. Magic!”

“What?”

“Yes! You will magically learn. That’s how we learnt it back in those days! When I had you, did I know how to be a mother? No! It’s instinct! Marriage is the solution to all problems! You think you are irresponsible? Or dumb? Or gay? Or heartless? Or have AIDS? Just get married! And you will magically be transformed and cured of it all!”

“What?! That sounds crazy!”

“Just get married, and you will know it for yourself!”

“Mom! I don’t want to get married! I just want to move out!”

“In our society, girls do not move out of the house without getting married. What will the neighbours say?”

“Neighbours?! Why should I care what they say??”

“Of course, you should care. They are the most important people in our lives! Without them poking their noses in our business, how do we feel important enough to be poked at? Also, in the future, if I run out of sugar, how will I go borrow some from them, if we don’t do what they expect us to do?”

“Well, you could just buy it at the store!”

Her mother gasped. “What strange ideas you get, Liya! Don’t ever let your father hear them. He might get a heart attack!”

“This doesn’t make sense at all!” Aaliyah cried out in frustration.

“That’s life, dear. It is not supposed to make sense”, sighed her mother like a century-old sage.

“Arrgggghhh!” Aaliyah stamped her foot and walked out.

She had later tried to tell them that she had got a good job offer from Bangalore. Her parents, with their common sense, asked her why she wanted to go to a different city when her parents were in Mumbai and the best jobs were all here. Besides, why did she need a better job? After she got married, it wouldn’t matter anyway. Unless, of course, her husband wanted her to work.

That’s when she understood. The only way she could get out of the house was if she got a job overseas, at least temporarily. Indian parents will never let their daughters move out of the house to live in the same city, or any other city in the country. But for some odd reason, they looked forward to their daughters moving out of the country for work. Or to get “settled”, which was the Indian equivalent of “having made it”.
Gone were the days when great culinary skills AND  a job as a teacher (with a fixed 9 to 5 shift)  was enough to score you an “eligible” partner. Now all that mattered was a stamped visa, or the power to provide a stamped visa, to improve your chances as a prospective mate.

And so, Aaliyah decided to fake her move to London. But it wasn’t easy. She had to fake a few visits to the Embassy; fake a few calls with fake colleagues discussing her very fake trip, within earshot  of her real parents; give some lame excuse that company policy prohibited family members to come to the airport during departure; get a VPN installed to fake her presence in the UK; call her parents through Skype; narrate fake incidents in a city that was far, far away from where she actually lived; and just lie through her teeth about everything else too.

There was one more thing: Because she lived in the same city as her parents, she had to cover her face every time she stepped out of the house. She just couldn’t afford to bump into someone who would recognize her and blow her cover. She could have moved out of the city. But her boyfriend lived here, and was pursuing a course that wasn’t available elsewhere. And neither of them wanted a long distance relationship.

Surprisingly, the whole setup was working just fine... until now.

Samuel broke her reverie when he suggested, “Why don’t you make some excuse?! Tell them you are busy with work. Or the company doesn’t allow you to go out much. Or that it’s too expensive to travel around and your salary doesn’t provide for it.”

“I’ve tried all that. My cousin is willing to meet me where I stay.”

“But doesn’t she stay in the other part of the town?”

“She did. But she and her husband recently moved base near the locality where I am supposedly put up. He seems to have got a new job there or something...” Aaliyah trailed off, even as her brain was working overtime to come up with an escape plan.

“Damn! This is bad,” Samuel went quiet as well, trying to think of some clever idea that could get her out of this mess. After a while, he said, “What if you stall them off for a little while more, and then tell them your on-site work is over and your company is sending you back?”

“Sending me back? But then I will have to go back home!!” Aaliyah said, terrified.

“Oh,” Samuel went quiet again.

“What do I do, Saamu?” Aaliyah asked again in a very small voice, tears of despair brimming in her eyes.

“Oh don’t cry! We’ll figure something out!” Samuel said, as he walked up to her and held her close.


The next morning, Samuel turned quietly to face Aaliyah, too afraid to wake her up as he knew she had slept fitfully through the night.

“You couldn’t sleep either?” she asked.

“Oh! I slept pretty well! Except when you kept turning over and over, shaking the bed!”

“Idiot!”, she said as she punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“Hey! You better be good! This idiot has just got a brilliant idea that will solve everything!” Samuel said with a smirk.

Aaliyah gave Samuel a very suspicious look.


“Mom... dad... I have decided to get married...” Aaliyah began to say over the Skype call.

“Oh! That’s amazing!” her parents replied in unison.

“...to the man I’m in love with,” Aaliyah finished.

“Oh! That’s terrible!” her parents replied together again.

“How can you do this to us?” her mother added.

“Are you pregnant? Is that what this is about?” her father asked suspiciously.

“What?!” said Aaliyah and her mother together, this time.

Her father just shrugged.

“No dad! I’m not pregnant!”

“Then why?” her dad shrugged harder. He looked genuinely confused.

“Because I love him!”

“That’s no reason to get married!” After a brief pause, he asked in a way that sounded timid and menacing both at the same time, “You have not cut the family’s nose, have you?”

“What?! What does that mean?”

“You know what I mean!”

“No, I don’t!” Aaliyah insisted, though she pretty well knew what he meant.

To ‘cut the family nose’ was the Indian way of saying ‘to bring dishonour to the family’. Strangely, it was the duty of the woman to ensure the nose was not cut. But though it sounded as if it was difficult to get anyone’s nose cut, it was actually a surprisingly simple thing to do for a woman. From voicing her thoughts to getting raped to sleeping with someone who is not her husband—there was no dearth of choices in the way she could cut the family nose.

But when Aaliyah refused to acknowledge her father’s insinuations, he became quite lost for words. Her parents were so lost for words, that Aaliyah began to suspect the network was disconnected.

Just when she was about to check her internet connection, her mother asked her quietly, 

“So, who is he? What’s his name?”

“I hope he is from our community!” her father added.

“His name is Samuel...” Aaliyah began, and when she saw their shocked faces, continued hurriedly, “Yes, he is Christian... not from our community. I met him at my last workplace. We both love each other a lot. And we would like our parents to bless our wedding, but if you are not willing, then we have decided to get married in the court.”

“The court?!!” her parents screamed.

“Yes, but only if either you or his parents are against the whole thing.”

“We can’t let you get married in the court!” her mother objected.

“Hrmph! She has already decided who she will marry... what am I supposed to do now?” her father pouted.

“My dear! You still have the duty to give away your daughter’s hand,” her mother tried to comfort him.

“How? Our way or their way?”

Her parents suddenly turned to face Aaliyah. Aaliyah rolled her eyes.


Aaliyah told her parents that she had convinced her company to bring her back to India by giving them the excuse that she was getting married in two months. Her parents were not too happy that they had to “do everything” in two months. Aaliyah had hoped that the sooner she and Samuel got married, the earlier they could get done with the ensuing tug of war between their families about how the wedding should take place.

She didn’t account for their stubbornness.

* * *

Her mother asked, "Why are you getting married in a church? What will our neighbours say?"

"Not the neighbours again, mom!"

"Hrmph! If you wanted to get married your way, why did you involve us?" her father asked.

"That's what I asked Sam too!" Sam's father slapped his thigh, his typical 'ah-ha!' gesture.

Both fathers looked at each other. They looked appalled they had agreed. They looked away and busied themselves with their phones, hoping no one had noticed. Unfortunately, their wives did.

His mother, glaring at her husband, said, "My son's soul would be condemned to hell if he doesn't marry in our church."

Her parents looked at each other, wondering if Sam's mother had gone bonkers.

Sam just rolled his eyes, "Ma, you know I don't believe all that."

"Don't you dare, Samuel! The Lord will withdraw His blessings if you blaspheme like this."

Aaliyah noticed Sam's jaws clench. She turned to her parents and said, "Mom, dad... pleeeaase! Why don't you just agree? When did you become so religious?"

"Since we decided to get married" Sam muttered under his breath.

Aaliyah lips twitched at the corners.

"I heard that", Aaliyah's mother glared at Sam. "We are not being religious but... we had so many hopes and dreams about our daughter's wedding. And now...", her mother's voice cracked, tears threatening to break free any moment.

"Mom! Not your melodrama again!"

"Look! Look how she talks to her own mother! 'Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death'!", his mother proclaimed like a high priestess.

This opened up a floodgate.

Sam: Mom! Don't quote the Bible again!"

Aaliyah's father, shaking his fist: You dare threaten my daughter?!

Sam's father, shaking his fist: You dare shake your fist at my wife?!

Aaliyah's mother, looking up at the heavens: Did you keep us alive to see this day?

Sam's mother, eyes flaring: Cast down these infidels, Lord!


* * *

“This is a mess!! We should have just got married at the court! It would have been so simple!!” Aaliyah said.

“Just a few more days, baby!” Samuel consoled her.


A few hours later...

“You were right! This is a mess!! We should have just got married at the court!” it was Samuel’s turn to lose it this time.

“See! I told you!”

Samuel took a deep breath, “Just a few more days, baby. Then we can live our way.”

“Yeah, but it all seems so far away!”

“I promise you, baby, that we will get far away from all of this pretty soon.”


A couple of months later...

“So, is this far enough honey?” Samuel asked.

“Yes, it is!” Aaliyah said right before she kissed him, as the hot air balloon took them high up into the Alps, their honeymoon destination.

“So marriage does solve all problems, doesn’t it?” Samuel asked.


They both burst out laughing.

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